I know back then I never thought it would turn out like this. They always seemed so annoyed with each other. But still, their fights never went to the childish levels Nick’s fights with AJ did, because AJ wasn’t much older and seemed to enjoy riling Nick up. Kevin helped prevent the fights between himself and Nick from turning into much. He would always stay so calm, watching Nick shout his aggravation while holding this almost superior look on his face. So Nick didn’t often get a reaction from Kevin, at least not the kind he was looking for, except the odd blunt statement or two, which at times was just the type of thing that caused the fight in the first place.

Then there was the time it all became too much for Nick. The time he couldn’t handle it all. We called it his “swinging stage” and he resented it like mad. But it was true, and if he couldn’t get his statements out, as he often tends to flub his words, or if people didn’t seem to be listening what he said anyway, he’d just hit them. Though the only people that seemed to get him angry enough, was AJ and Kevin, since he was around them all the time. And, being the little guy, he wasn’t very likely to win if it came to an all-out-knock-down-drag-out fight, but, due to his lack of rational thinking when he got so angry, that wasn’t really of his concern.

The first time he hit Kevin, I don’t know who was more shocked—Nick, or the rest of us. It wasn’t that Nick had done it that made our eyes widen, it was Kevin’s reaction that did it. He simply grabbed Nick from behind, clamping his arms about the small fuming fellow. Though Nick’s small slender frame had nothing against Kevin’s large muscular one, Nick still tried his hardest to fight Kevin. While kicking and screaming, he pounded his fists on Kevin’s thighs and shouted for Kevin to let him go. Kevin just held him more firmly.

Then Nick started to scream my name, “Briaaaaan! Make him stop!” he cried so helplessly instead of in the cocky manner he’d seemed to have used all day. “Maaaaaahhh-mmmm” he started to cry, this time for his mother, but Kevin quickly secured his hand over Nick’s mouth.

“Kevi-” I began, placing my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not doing anything wrong, Brian. If you don’t like it, you can leave.”

Choosing not to leave, but also not to interfere, I backed away to become a quiet observer again. Nick continued to scream, struggling against Kevin’s body and wiggling as much as he could. He tried everything he could—licking Kevin’s hand and trying to bite it, as well as kicking Kevin as hard as he could in the shins. But Kevin didn’t give in.

Eventually, Nick broke down, letting his body go slack and weight rest against Kevin’s body while being held up by Kevin’s arms. With Nick’s sobs beginning to form, Kevin slowly descended with Nick to the floor. Squatting to hold Nick between his legs as well, he kept that hold firm but released his grasp on Nick’s mouth, making it easier for Nick to cry.

“Are you sorry?” Kevin quietly asked, his chin on Nick’s shoulder and body wrapped around him.

“Yes,” Nick whimpered.

“Good,” Kevin replied, standing up and releasing his grip. Nick collapsed to his hands and knees, Kevin gently slapped Nick’s butt, then walked away.

It seemed obvious that Nick would have learned from that to not hit Kevin again, but sometimes it takes a lot for Nick to learn. So when he punched Kevin in the face, it was a’ whole ‘nother story. Kevin didn’t hesitate in grabbing Nick this time. The intensity and swiftness left Nick rather bewildered and confused, making him unable to fight when Kevin lifted him. Though the pain rippling through his bones seemed to snap Nick a little bit back into reality. As a result, of course, he started to scream. Every swearword in the book. At that time Kevin started to haul him away. Then Nick screamed for me.

My heart sank, especially since I was the only one there and he was counting on me for help, but I knew Nick had been out of line in hitting Kevin, and Kevin wouldn’t really hurt him.

“Let go of me you stupid pervert!” he yelled as Kevin kicked the bathroom door open. “I’m going to tell! My mom will kill you!” And, as the door closed, he screamed his last audible sentence, “Help! He’s molesting me!” I heard the click of the lock and no more sounds except that of Nick’s eventual crying and then apology.

I still don’t know exactly what Kevin did in there. I didn’t think Kevin would ever actually moleste Nick, and I don’t think at that time he did. Regardless, Nick never hit Kevin again. But that’s not to say he never hit anybody else.

“But he started it!” Nick cried after Kevin rushed in and grabbed him. AJ and Nick had gotten into some big argument, though I only came into the room in time to see the remnants of one of Nick’s comic books ablaze in the wastebasket and Nick, with angry tears threatening to leap from his eyes, on top of AJ, fists flying. Not much later, Kevin rushed past me, scooped up Nick, surprising the hell out of me, because, even though Nick was only about 15, he still wasn’t that little, and carried him off.

“Kevin, it’s not my fault!” Nick howled. “Go get him!” His eyes watered in hurt now. He hadn’t done anything to Kevin this time and, the way he saw it, AJ had been the one to hurt him.

Kevin carried Nick into a vacant room, and Howie got AJ to settle and leave with him.

I stood off to the side in the doorway, a silent observer. They still don’t know I saw.

Without restraint, Nick’s tears began to fall. He went slack and stopped struggling, surrendering to Kevin and desiring to gain sympathy instead of more hostility. He wanted Kevin to understand. He wanted somebody on his side, especially since as far as Nick knew nobody else was there, and Kevin’s the strongest out of all of us. “Did you see what he did?” Nick sniveled.

“What did he do?” Kevin impassively asked, laying Nick face down on the couch.

“He lit a match to my comic. And that was #1, Kevin! I can’t get it back! He ruined it!” Nick sobbed, coughing on his last word.

“Sh,” Kevin shushed, placing his hand on Nick’s back.

“No! Listen to me! I didn’t do anything and he burned it!”

“You had to have done something. He wouldn’t do it out of nowhere.”

“AJ’s always an asshole to me,” Nick blubbered, his face buried in his arms.

“You know you can’t hit people...” Kevin softly replied, his fingers caressing the hairs of Nick’s neck.

“But I had to, and he hit me back! You can’t just go burning things, either! Why don’t you put him in one of your headlock things?” Though Nick never would have admitted it, I know he didn’t want Kevin to leave him. The stroke of Kevin’s hand on his back, the reassuring comfort of his voice, and his simple presence was too much of a comfort for Nick to just give up to AJ. It was surely the farthest thing from what Nick actually wanted.

Kevin sat beside Nick’s horizontal form, only half his butt on the couch, and gently rubbed Nick’s back, letting Nick complain and spew all his frustrations until he couldn’t think of anymore and simply softly cried. I saw how Kevin’s hand, its consistent movement, calmed him. I saw the gradual decline in Nick’s volume, number of profanities, and overall hostility the deeper Kevin’s massage got.

But not until much later on did I begin to put two and two together. Maybe that’s what they had done in the bathroom together, maybe Kevin was touching Nick, but not so much in an unauthorized manner. Like when Kevin first held Nick so firmly to his body, not letting go until Nick had calmed, maybe it was the closeness that Nick needed. Maybe it was the firm reassuring hold of Kevin’s warm body, and knowing that Kevin would not let him go, that Kevin would not leave him until Nick had settled and felt better, that Nick needed.

This isn’t to say that I was never there for Nick, though. We were still very close, though I know we’re not so much now, but throughout that time, as Nick and myself seemed to grow apart, Kevin and him seemed to get closer together. But not in the way our friendship was like.

Whenever Nick was stressed, or having just a plain old bad day, he would go to Kevin. It didn’t really matter where we were, as long is it wasn’t in public public, and if it was, he’d just try to be next to Kevin as much as he possibly could that day. I don’t know what went through Nick’s mind the first time he sat on Kevin’s lap, or it was between his legs, I’m not sure. It seems obvious that Kevin wouldn’t have been too pleased and would have pushed him off, but somehow Nick knew Kevin wouldn’t. We were in the studio, not in at the time, but recording that day, and there was a minimal amount of people around, but still people other than just our group all the same. Kevin was sitting on a couch, talking at odd moments with various people, but no real heavy conversation, and then out of nowhere, to me anyway, he just planted himself on Kevin. And Kevin treated it like the most casual thing in the world. Nick kept his head down, and Kevin kept talking to the person in the chair to the side, as he rubbed Nick’s back. I knew Nick had been having a hard time that day, and so he went to Kevin to make him feel better. I wish I knew what they had done before that, if there was anything more to it than what I’d witnessed, that made them so comfortable with it.

But they do it all the time, now. It doesn’t even matter if Nick’s having a bad day anymore, he simply tries to get next to Kevin as much as possible whenever he desires Kevin’s attention and wants to feel good. Nick even touches Kevin, too. It’s not clear if it’s because he wants to be closer, wants to feel him, or wants to give a little of what Kevin gives him back. But I see them sometimes, when the opportunity strikes, Nick will put his hand on Kevin’s back, slide it down, rub it for a moment or longer, or even do it to his arm or side.

So, really, I shouldn’t be surprised at what else they do. Or maybe I can be. That’s mostly innocent, isn’t it? It’s common place in our culture, to rub someone’s back, regardless of sex, as a form of comfort, right? And it shouldn’t lead to wanting to sleep in the person rubbing your back’s bed.

When I first found out Nick had slept in Kevin’s room, in his bed, when he didn’t have to, Nick assured me they weren’t doing anything more but touching each other and sleeping. And it was only back rubs, just a little bit to relax each other before they went to bed, and it felt so good he fell asleep. And that’s all that happened. But, eventually, of course, it lead to more. Kevin’s massages became more intense, Nick got more turned on, and they began to touch each other in other places.

They have no idea all the times I’ve caught them.

Sometimes I wonder about Nick’s sexuality, if Nick was gay before Kevin did those things to him, before Kevin started touching him like that, or if maybe Kevin turned him that way. Growing up, I’d never assumed my older “manly man” cousin was the least bit homosexual, but coming together with him in the group, I started to suspect he had a little something for guys. But never did I suspect it would have anything to do with Nick. Like I said, they seemed mostly annoyed by each other and got into so many arguments. Now they’ve spent countless nights together, screwing each other into the floor. Actually, I don’t suspect it’s so ‘rowdy.’ I know they use each other, still, as some type of relaxation technique. I think Kevin’s slow and gentle, and they lavish in each other and their affection. When Kevin’s available, Nick is most happy, and I’m glad to see that. I wouldn’t dream of interfering.

But I can’t help but wonder. What if I had been a little nicer, a little closer? Nick still loved being close to me. Often, he’d try to touch me like Kevin did and ask to play a game where we draw on each other’s backs. First time I did it, he got a raging hard-on, which neither he nor I ever acknowledged, and he moaned and whimpered so much I avoided doing it ever again. He still puts his arm around me a lot, but I think most of that is just because he likes that’s he’s so much taller and can do that now. He likes to play, and he likes to touch, that’s how his family is. I know that’s how he sees me, Howie, and AJ, and it’s hard to understand why Kevin is so different.

Maybe it’s that I don’t want to understand... One time, I do recall him telling me some of his desires. He was immersed in a video game, but one he’d played multiple times before so it didn’t require much of his concentration, then asked me. This was long before I’d discovered him with Kevin, or ever thought he was a little queer, and he asked me if I’d ever felt like being held by somebody, by somebody so much stronger, and to be taken care of and not have to worry about somebody to take care of. That if ever I’d considered being with a man. He assured me he wasn’t saying he wanted to or that he’d be that man or that it even had anything to do with himself, but he had just heard somebody talk about it and was casually wondering. And I believed him.

It makes sense now, though, if I choose to make sense of it. I don’t want him to love Kevin, but I know he does. He finds happiness and comfort through Kevin, even though Kevin already has somebody he’s found that with. I feel bad for him during all those times Kevin flies down to see his wife, and all those times his wife is up here with us, or just when we’re on such long breaks. I know it’s hard for him, and especially hard for him to control himself when he’s got nobody to calm him down. At times I wish Kevin had never molested him, whether it was intentional or not, but at those same times I often wonder where Nick would be if Kevin hadn’t.